One Thong to Rule Them All
by The Cheshire Cheese
Summary: From the best big-budget fantasy films, to their cheap erotic spoofs, all movies share the same problem: great characters with too little screen-time! Case in point; Ballem, the nerdy villain from "Lord of the G-Strings." How did he become obsessed with the one G-String? And how did General Uptight and his men react when they found out? Short one-shot, just for sh-ts and giggles.


**A/N: This fic, like the movie, will contain no graphic sex scenes. Just raunchy humor.  
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**I don't own "Lord of the G-Strings."**

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><p>"Thieves," the creature lisped to himself, as he crawled through the forest.<p>

Peering around a tree, he gazed at the two female Throbbits, strolling merrily through the woods. The lighter-skinned Throbbit had his Precious, clutched in her fist.

"They're thieves!" he whispered. "They're _dirty_ little thieves! They thtole it from me! My One. My Only. My 100% Cotton. Myyyy preeecious...!"

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><p>500 years before the birth of the first Throbbit, an ancestor of the race roamed the patch of woods now known as Throbbiton. These Throbbit predecessors were innocent, nerdy and shy. They spoke with a distinctive Nerdonian accent, pronouncing their "s"es as "th"s. They were fatter than the Throbbits of today, less active, and with worse teeth. They lived in little dens in the ground, where they noshed upon chips and played video games. Rarely did they venture out of their holes. But one did. His name was Ballem. He was forced to leave home when his parents insisted upon sleep-away camp, to "help him lose some weight." (But really, they just wanted the hole to themselves for a "Downton Abbey" marathon.)<p>

At summer camp, Ballem was trained in the arts of fencing, spearing, and archery. His Camp Counselor was a witch known by the name Whorespank. Tall was she, with skin white as snow, and breasts as round and bare as snowy mountains. Her hair was as black as the leather heels and gloves she wore. A chained bikini she wore, with the cups cut out, revealing her two inhumanly beautiful assets which she used to stun her opponents, causing them to freeze like deer in the headlights whilst she stabbed them. What intrigued Ballem most about Whorepsank however was not her beauty, nor her fighting skills, nor pouty valley-girl personality, but the black leather G-string she wore. Adorned with silver chains, it was at once the most fashionable and comfortable looking G-String he had ever laid eyes upon.

Ballem giggled bashfully as he and the Sorceress met for another duel, each with a long spear. "Excuthe me, mith Whorethpank. But I could not help but notith the lovely, perfectly fitting, elegantly adorned g-thtriing you wear on your perthon! Might I prethume to borrow it, just for one short little night, for a kinky party I plan to attend?"

"Ha!" Whorespank twirled her spear. "I, loan my Thong of Power, to a little nerd like you? You might as well ask me to give up my mother's spear! I forged this G-String myself, in the fires of Party Pooper Volcano! I alone can withstand its might. Were anyone but me to wield it, its sexiness would overtake their mind. Nay, I could not give you this string even if I wanted to."

Sulkily, Ballem sniffled, "Oookaaay."

But it was not over.

When word spread that one General Uptight was leading the rebellion against Whorespank's empire, and tales spread of the great and cheesy battles being fought throughout the realm, Ballem began to scheme. He put out flyers, on trees, milk cartons, and Internet blogs, offering a cash reward for anyone who might bring him the G-String of Whorespank. Finally, after many years, the thong came to him. Whorespank fell in battle at the clumsy hand of Uptight, and the string was passed to the general's right hand boy Whichway. The errand boy however did not cast the string into the volcano as ordered; instead, he brought it to Ballem.

At long last, Ballem had the string. As soon as Whichway was out of sight, the creature slipped off his cloak, and exchanged his Spiderman boxers for the g-string. It was rather a tight fit. The string was, after all, forged to fit the body of an athletic young woman, rather than an overweight man. But the fact that it was 100% cotton compensated. Ballem spent the next many minutes dancing about the forest, shaking his behind and striking sexy poses. When he was finally satisfied that he knew how to wield this string, he whispered, "Now, my Precious...where shall we go firtht?"

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><p>Ballem ventured to the campsite of General Uptight, where the rebels were celebrating their victory. Knights, pirates, Vikings and Celts played tunes on bagpipes, drank mead, danced about the camp fires, and roasted marshmallows.<p>

"Well Whichway," General Uptight clapped his errand boy on the back. "I'm certainly glad we had you along! I don't think any other man in the company would have had the power to destroy that g-string."

"Uh, yeah," Whichway laughed nervously. "Yep I fried that old g-string, just like you told me."

Ballem's laughter echoed throughout the forest, causing all the rebels' heads to look up. His laugh was unnatural, affected by the g-strings magic. It sounded echoey and mechanical, like a special effect from an '80s movie. All around the camp, Uptight's soldiers drew their axes and swords. Ballem strode into the campsite, his face and body hidden by his cloak.

"Reveal yourself stranger!" Uptight pointed his sword at the intruder. "Are you lost?"

"A thousand pardons!" Ballem bowed gracefully. "But I could not help but notith what a lovely party you were throwing. Might I presume to...join in?" With the last words, he flung opened his cloak, revealing the g-string.

Everyone gasped.

"Whichway!" Uptight exclaimed. "I thought I told you to destroy that thing!"

Whichway began sobbing a hundred words a minute: "I'm so sorry my lord but I had a duty to the wayward boys in my village, someone needed to open a home for them, this fine man was offering rewards and what's so bad about a g-string anyway?"

"Fool! Do you not realize, the awesome and dangerous power that-"

Uptight's eyes bulged, as Ballem began to dance about the campsite. One moment, the creature was dancing Disco. Then, with a cloud of gold sparkles, he was gone, and reappeared next to Ruby, the heavy-set red-haired pirate woman. Ruby gasped, unable to tear her gaze away from the power of the g-string. Ballem danced around her, swinging his hips to and fro, until poor Ruby could resist him no longer. Soon she was leaving lipstick marks all over his face, her fingers tickling his handlebar mustache.

"Ruby!" Uptight bellowed. "Stop that at once! The G-String has you!"

Whichway slowly moved away from Uptight's side, his eyes bulbous and unblinking.

"Whichway! No! Stop!"

Whichway came up behind Ballem, and the creature was soon sandwiched between the errand boy and the pirate woman. General Uptight watched in horror, as Ballem received kisses and caresses from both fighters.

"Everyone!" Uptight raised his sword. "On my command, we strike! If we must kill Whichway and Ruby in the process...then so be it. We'll be freeing their souls, it'll be doing them a favor. Isn't that right Ferret." he looked over his shoulder, for his strongest and whiniest soldier. "Ferret? FERRET!"

Ferret was walking towards the threesome, in a trance.

"NO!" Uptight cried.

Ballem boogied around the fire pit, showing his g-string to the world, while Ferret, Ruby and Whichway twirled around him and offered seductive touches and movements. Uptight watched in despair as the rest of his company joined in the horrible dance one by one, then two-by-two, the number of affected growing exponentially.

"CURSE that g-string!" Uptight threw his sword to the ground. "Curse you Whichway! And CURSE you...whatever your name is..."

"Ballem."

"Ballem! Curse you all! You've doomed the entire Realm!" Uptight's watched his men and women, his face contorted with despair. That despair melted away, however, into a new expression of mild interest. "But he sure can wear that g-string."

The general swaggered over next to Ballem, and began boogieing away like John Travolta.

**FIN. **


End file.
